DEPRESSION PERSONAL STORIES

Jimmy

There were many days...I just didn't want to get out of bed. Honestly the only reason I got out of bed on more than a few of those days was because the dog had to get walked and my wife had to go to work. So, I'd walk the dog, take her to work, come back. Some days I'd get back in bed, some days I'd just sit on the couch and wonder what I was going to do next. And not knowing, not knowing at all.

No, when you're in the middle of it, you just, you don't know when it's going to end. You sit there and look at it. You know you want to get better. You know you want to be who you were before. You just don't know if it's going to end where it's going to end, how it's going to end. You don't know if you're ever going to be the person that you were before. There were days when I thought I'd never be myself again...I just thought...this is just the way it's going to be and I thought everything was going to have to change.

I pretty much lost interest in just about everything. In every aspect of your life the interest level just goes. You're just kind of there. You know your head is screwed up, that somebody is going to look at you like you’re crazy, that you’re weak for admitting that you’re having a problem. Especially in the fire service. Fire service, police service; it’s an entirely macho atmosphere. So it’s just natural that you’ll be looked upon as weak if you admit that you’re having some kind of problem dealing with something.

They think I'm a big, tough fireman. I'm supposed to be able to deal with anything, I'm supposed to be able to just pick up, carry on, like the old commissioner said, 'Just be able to suck it up. And just keep going.' It's not that easy. You can't just do that. If you tried to, it's just going to come back up again and again and again. It may take a while but it's going to keep coming back up. I don't know if I'd be a firefighter today if I didn't get help.

Everything's back to normal, now. What I experienced was something nobody should experience. But somehow I've been able to find a context for it in my life and it's there. It'll always be there; it's never going to go away. But I found a way to fit it into my life that I can live with it.

Rodolfo

I just felt terrible and I didn't know why it was, I didn't want to face anyone, I didn't want to talk to anyone. I didn't really want to do anything for myself because I felt so, I felt like I was such an awful person that there was no real reason for me to do anything for myself.

I just didn't feel any emotions, I just couldn't feel. My real feeling was just pure numbness, I just couldn't feel sad, I couldn't really feel happy; it was almost like I was under water with like my eyes and my ears all shut off and I was just there.

I barely went to class. I just couldn't wake up in time for class. Sometimes I'd sleep like only three hours a night cause I couldn't sleep for weeks, but most of the time the opposite happened where I would sleep ten, twelve, fifteen hours a day.

I totally think being Latino made it harder. Cause there is a silence over things. There's just things you don't talk about. And um, when I told my parents I had depression, I was like look Mom, I'm depressed, you know I can't deal with things anymore, I don't think I can finish school. My mom was like you're not depressed! Your brother went through, through a period, you know what? You're going to get over it.

Patrick

Everybody gets the blues. I call depression the super blues. The ultimate blues because when you get the blues, you sometimes can figure your way out of the them. Say I have the blues, that happens to people. But when you have the super blues, you can't find you're way back cause you've gotten so far in. It's like a hole that closes up behind you and you just get lost in your own mind. You literally get lost.

Here I am in the Air Force and I'm one of the senior leaders in the enlisted ranks. And that would be a sign that well maybe I'm not a leader. And then my career's derailed or maybe I'll lose my security clearance. I can't let anybody know, I've got to gut it out, I've got to fake my way through it...You don't where to turn for help. You don't want to be perceived as weak, you finally get to a point where you say, let all that be damned, you don't care how you're perceived, because you are barely breathing, you're barely getting up.

Think of, if you cut your arm off or got shot or you broke something or tore up a knee and think about how excruciating that pain is, that's mild and can be taken care of with an aspirin compared to mental anguish. I'd drink and I'd just get numb. I'd get numb to try to numb my head, and that would take a lot of beer, I'm telling you. I mean, we're talking many, many beers to get to that state where you could shut your head off, but then you wake up the next day and it's still there. Because you have to deal with it, it doesn't just go away.

It's just gradual. You don't even really notice it. You just kind of come back and then you're back to normal and then you go, where the hell have I been?

Paul

A feeling of isolation, a feeling of being cut off from the people around you, of not being able to, almost of being underwater, sort of emotionally underwater, you know, not being able to make direct physical contact. You lose interest in physical contact, in sexual relationships, you become very worried.

I remember the first time I knew something really was wrong, I was talking with one of my colleagues in the company in which I worked, a publishing house, and I just burst into tears. And I had no idea why that had happened. It is as if your inner core is being squeezed in such a way that it hurts, it just hurts, it feels as if somebody's been beating you. You feel as if your tissue has been wounded. You just feel internally, in pain.

You are, you are pushed to the point of considering suicide because living becomes very painful. You are looking for a way out, you're looking for a way to eliminate this terrible psychic pain.

Your tendency is just sort of wait it out, you know, let it get better. You don't want to go to the doctor. You don't want to admit to how bad you're really feeling. If I had not been lucky enough to have relief, I might well have killed myself.

Brenda

It was really hard to get out of bed in the morning. I just wanted to hide under the covers and not talk to anyone. I didn’t feel much like eating and I lost a lot of weight. Nothing seemed fun anymore. I was tired all the time, yet I wasn’t sleeping well at night. But I knew that I had to keep going because I’ve got kids and a job. It just felt so impossible, like nothing was going to change or get better. I started missing days from work, and a friend noticed that something wasn’t right. She talked to me about the time that she had been really depressed and had gotten help from her doctor.

I called my doctor and talked about how I was feeling. She had me come in for a checkup and gave me the name of a psychiatrist, who is an expert in treating depression. Now I’m seeing a psychiatrist once a month and taking medication for depression. I’m also seeing someone else for “talk” therapy, which helps me learn ways to deal with this illness in my everyday life. Everything didn’t get better overnight, but I find myself more able to enjoy life and my children.